My third year of renewal and rebirth

Easter 2023 Sunrise at Petrie Island, Ontario, Canada

Twice have I been born in this lifetime-- first was through my mother's womb, three decades past. And the second, was my rebirth and renewal-- three Easters gone. And in honoring this spiritual journey, I would like to make it a habit of writing down the heights and lows of the year that was. 

Just to give a little context, it was Easter of the year 2021 when I renewed my life and faith through the cross. For years, I have been suffering from self-diagnosed depression. In 2009, after my mother's death-- I didn't give myself a chance to mourn. I have brushed aside all the pain and bitterness of her loss. I bottled everything up because my grief was too great to handle. I portrayed a happy facade and kept going with my life. I was scared of dealing with my pain, so I banished it. Unfortunately, I was unaware that by doing so, the wound in my heart only grew deeper. It wasn't until half a decade later when I found the courage to face my grief, that I realized how much it had affected me. Yet, just when I thought I had started to heal, I was hit with another loss in 2018, my father's passing.

To be specific, it was March 10th, 2018. I was also starting a new season in my life as an English Teacher in Japan. I moved to Japan alone because my husband was still awaiting his visa approval. I grieved far from my family and everyone who could comfort me. I found myself dealing with the loss alone. I was extremely sad that not even the beauty of the cherry blossoms could console me. But I had to be strong because that move to Japan was always what Papa wanted for me before he passed on.

While in Japan, I grieved for my loss alone. But that time, I somehow knew better-- I had to embrace the pain and succumb to my emotional suffering. I allowed myself to be vulnerable and cried every chance I could. Living in Japan then, I was physically distant from everyone I loved. There were nights when I would jerk up from the bed in the middle of my sleep, gasping for air, and extremely terrified that I would die alone. I was starting to develop anxiety attacks. But even so, God has been so graceful and merciful. During those tormenting nights, I would always feel God's loving presence. I would feel God's comforting embrace even though I could not see Him. I would feel like He was embracing my heart and lulling me back to sleep. And it went on for weeks.

And then, my husband arrived in Japan. My days started to become brighter. I was gaining back my zeal for life; I started to dream big again. I applied for a Ph.D. degree in Canada. I was approved and took another leap of faith in moving to another country again. I thought that finding and chasing a new dream would bring back the life that I almost lost. And yet, despite my efforts to regain a sense of purpose and motivation, the harsh realities of the world at that time began to take their toll. The Covid19 pandemic was raging on-- isolation, lockdowns, restrictions, and death of thousands, if not millions, of people, including those close to me, affected me so profoundly that I started manifesting the symptoms of depression.

And it was a Good Friday in 2021 when the evil voice in my head demanded that I put an end to my suffering. That voice, as evil as it was, was so loud, telling me that death was the only answer. Even while putting these into words right now, I am feeling a pang of shame. How could I ever entertain those thoughts at that time? But I am taking the courage right now to share this with the world. Because on that momentous afternoon when Jesus died on the cross, I also allowed my old self to die. I knelt down, and with both hands held up in heaven, I completely surrendered myself to God. 

I was tired of living a meaningless life. I was tired of dragging myself from bed to start a bleak day. I was done living miserably. With Jesus' death on the cross on that solemn Friday afternoon, I asked God's Holy Spirit to help me reclaim the life He intended for me. I stopped believing in the lies of the enemy.

1 Peter 5: 6-9

6Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, 

so that in due time He may exalt you.  

7Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.

8Be sober-minded and alert. 

Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 

9Resist him, standing firm in your faith and in the knowledge that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kinds of suffering.

With the Holy Spirit, God revealed to me that my suffering was the working of the evil spirit. It was the enemy feeding me with lies that my life was not worth living. It was all part of the enemy's wicked plot to bring me to my destruction and end-- because the enemy wants nothing but to kill and destroy every child of God. Glory and praises be to God, for three Easters ago, He saved me from the enemy. He did not allow my feet to stumble. He kept me.

Psalm 121: 3-4

He will guard and guide me, 

never letting me stumble or fall. 

God is my keeper; he will never forget nor ignore me. 

He will never slumber nor sleep; he is the Guardian-God for his people, Israel.

I am writing this as an eternal memoir of God's faithfulness. Surely, it is not easy to convey the past suffering I endured in fear of being judged or mocked. But I am emboldened by the Holy Spirit to share my vulnerabilities with anyone who may read this. My desire is that my story of renewal will shine a glimmer of hope, no matter how small it may seem, amid the darkness that pervades our world.

I am fully aware that I am a work in progress. And while there are nights that I find myself digging up my old self from the grave, I put my complete hope and trust in God, who will always resurrect me. I will keep running this race of life with a renewed hope and purpose. That is, living life to the fullest because that is what God has willed for me. 

John 10:10

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; 

I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

Truly, the enemy will join all of its evil forces to steal, kill, and destroy every work of God's hands. So He sent His only son, Jesus Christ, to die and pay the price on the cross so that all of His children may have life. So that we may all have life-- a life that is abundant and full. The joy of the Lord's resurrection is my strength. And I will soldier on, for I know that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

For a better, stronger, bolder, happier, and more intentional version of myself-- 

I will keep living my life for Him. 

I will keep living my life to honor my One and True Living God.

To God be all the glory!

                                                         

Donned with my NeoCatechumenal Way Passover 2023 attire

My dearest,

Life is hard, and it is always unfair. 

But be assured that you are not alone in your battle. 

God has the power to take away all of your pain and suffering.

I will keep praying for you.

For Jesus is my living hope

An email to my 33-year-old self

 

RayWeng Films <wenefe87@gmail.com>	Nov 14, 2020, 2:20 PM
to me

Dear Weng,

Happy 33rd Birthday!

Yes, today is the day God decided to send you on a mission on earth. You have been having a great time singing, flying, and playing with other cherubims around those fluffy heavenly clouds. Eventually, God called your name and said: Weng, today I am sending you to Earth to be the second daughter of Fred and Fe. You will be named Wenefe. Do a good job down there and be sure to come back up here with me when it's time. Because you are mine.

So how are you keeping up with your mission on earth, so far, Weng?

Oh Lord, it's been 33 difficult years of a ride. Being sent here on earth and co-existing with your enemy, Lord, it isn't easy. I can understand why some of your angels couldn't hang on until the end. I can understand why there is so much wailing and crying on this planet. There is so much suffering in this corner of the universe. Lord, your enemy down here wants nothing but to destroy, ravage, and kill everything you created. It deludes us here, pretending that it cares for us, tricking us to choose the easiest ways of doing things, giving us attractive options so we could be comfortable here on earth and forget the reason why we're here to begin with. It is so bent on breaking our wings so we could be totally disconnected from you. And you knew it, right, Lord? You sent Jesus, your only son, to walk on these very paths. You totally understand how it is down here.

But I want to thank you. I want to thank you for even though you know I will be having a hard time down here-- dealing with the enemy and all that overwhelming earthly stuff, you still chose to send me. I remember a poem by one of the angels you sent here ahead of me, Max Ehrmann, who once wrote: With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Lord, thank you. Thank you for despite of everything and in spite of myself, you never fail to remind me that I belong to you. I may not fully comprehend my mission yet, but I know you sent me here to be your messenger-- to be your voice and to represent you, clad in my own brokenness; tattered, and battered by my own sufferings and sins. I know all that I am is all that you need so I could successfully carry on my mission here on earth. 

Thank you for not giving up on me, Lord. No matter how much I have failed you. Thank you for tirelessly pulling me back on track. I know I could have just stayed there in heaven, along with the millions of herald of angels, singing our favorite songs together. And yet, you sent me here on Earth so I could experience the vastness, the depths, and the lengths of your love. My human heart is hurting because of so much love you have for me. Thank you, Lord. I can't stop thanking you, Lord.

It has been 33 years since you sent me. How am I faring with my mission, Lord? Before sending me here, for sure you showed me our masterplan. But this human mind limits me from remembering any of them. Yet, I know it, while it's too profound to understand, that deep down inside me, my old soul remembers. 

By the way, I'd ike to thank you for sending me to a wonderful family-- a nurturing mother that was Fe and a responsible, loving father that was Fred. Thank you for my fellow angels whom I call my brothers and sisters. Thank you for surrounding me with my dear family and supporting friends whom have been rooting for me so I could have the best time here on earth. And most of all, Lord, thank you for sending me the best angel buddy-- whose heart you have paired with me. For sure, he also got his own mission but it's comforting to know that as I pursue mine, I won't be alone.

Lord I pray, please continue to purify me. If it needs be that I leave behind all of these--- my dear family, my loving friends, my stable workplace, my kind workmates, my favorite delicacies, the warm sunshines and the sweet island breeze, in order to fulfil your will for me, then let me so. If leaving behind me my comfort zone would mean living a life full of you then take everything from me so I can have more of you. 

I would like to think that in every year that I celebrate my earthly birthday, I regain a piece of feather for my heavenly wings. Oh Lord, when the time comes that the feather on my wings are finally complete, I pray that I have lived your will in full so that I can happily tell you:

Lord, mission accomplished.

There's so much uncertainty in the future. The thoughts of it make me breathless. But my heart flutters in gladness because instead of fear for the unknown, you overwhelm me with excitement. You sent me to this world but you never left me alone. Even when I was drowning at the bottom of the sea, you were holding my hands tight. Even when I was astray in faraway horizons, I never left your sight. Not even the darkness of my sins can make you unlove me. Because I am your angel, I belong to you, I am your own.

Oh Lord, I am overwhelmed by your love. My human heart is so full that it hurts in a good way. Thank you, Lord for loving me. I am yours. I am yours, forever and ever. I am yours.

Happy 33rd Birthday, Self!

Love,

Wenefe R. Capili-Balbalin

It is finished-- How God helped me conquer the enemy without a face

Let me begin this chapter with this song of David. As I claim in the previous chapter, my story— every story, trifle or not— begins with God.  

Psalm 23 

A psalm of David. 

1 The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. 

2     He makes me lie down in green pastures, 

he leads me beside quiet waters, 

3     he refreshes my soul. 

He guides me along the right paths 

    for his name’s sake. 

4 Even though I walk 

    through the darkest valley,[a] 

I will fear no evil, 

    for you are with me; 

your rod and your staff, 

    they comfort me. 

 

I vividly remember that one winter evening, while my husband was soundly asleep beside me, I was silently wailing, trying to cover my face with my tear-soaked pillow and fearing that I might wake anyone of my whimpering. Since the death of my parents, I would have those tormenting episodes of extreme mental and emotional breakdowns. I had them, coming in all forms, all the same: messy and painfully gross. They are messy and gross, for I let out all of my body fluids as possible— a sorrowful fusion of my bottomless tears and endless perspiration. And as I let them out came my loud cries while rolling myself on the floor, banging my head on the pillow, and shouting for my parents’ names in anguish. I was a perfect picturesque of utmost human suffering. Then, I would stay like that for minutes, sometimes hours, until my old friend Sleep takes over my consciousness and comforts me in the realm of dreams. 

 

I had those episodes of emotional and mental breakdowns, and no one knew about it. After a couple of attempts, I would try to tell my husband about it. Even so, I felt like he wouldn’t understand the depth of my pain. Every time I would try to come out and seek consolation from a fellow human being,  I felt like my efforts were futile. No one is ever going to understand how much pain I feel. That’s how I felt and thought, so I decided to fight those battles in silence. Sometimes I felt like losing the fight, so I withdrew from everyone else. I deactivated my social media accounts and deleted my messenger to completely disconnect myself from the world and from my loved ones. In doing so, it would either be in the hope that someone would finally notice my absence and miss me or my crazy vengeance on people I care for who are just too busy to care for me. The longest I was off the grid was 30 days, but on average, I would be gone for about a few days.  

Dear me! Many times have I wished that social media was never invented. For the most time that I decide to come back after having pulled myself back together, there is always one thing that surprises me even though it’s expected: NO ONE DID NOTICE MY ABSENCE. Not that I expect the whole world to notice, but seriously, none among my close friends and neither of my siblings did. Well, there was one exception, my darling Lily Adelaide did and chatted with me that she was worried about me. And it melted my heart away. At least, for her, I mattered. 

 

Was I only longing for affection and attention? Maybe, yes. Were my feelings valid? Absolutely, yes. In this generation of connectivity, I think each of us long for connectedness. And ironically, despite the convenience of connectivity, more people feel disconnected. The more I feel disconnected. Is it because we tend to always take those that truly matter for granted? I can only wonder. 

 

I remember that I was also in one of my social media hiatuses on that one winter evening with my husband was soundly sleeping beside me on the bed. I was silently wrestling against myself from completely breaking down again. But that night, I knew exactly that it was a mental and emotional breakdown. It was a fight that I felt so helpless that not even having a sleeping husband beside me could help me win it. It was a battle between me and the ancient enemy-- the devil who seeks to destroy and kill every work of God's mighty hands. It was a fight where the enemy's voice was so strong, urging me to get up from bed, go to the kitchen, and use the first sharp object I saw to hurt myself. The pain from mourning for my parents’ loss was so impossibly bearable at that point. I literally could not breathe. And thoughts in my head were like flashes of lightning, prompting me to just end it. 

 

It was an ordeal that lasted for hours until I grew tired and slept on it. The next morning was a Good Friday, the day of Jesus’ death. I recall exactly; it was Good Friday of the year 2021st. Since Raymond had to work, I was left alone at home again. I prayed to God and thanked Him for saving me from the other night’s emotional turmoil. With His wisdom and grace, that Good Friday was momentous. I prostrated myself before my Creator and asked Him to take all of my pains away, that he takes with Him on the cross every single pain in my past that crucifies me. It was again excruciatingly messy and gross— but a sweet kind of breakdown. I held my hands high in complete surrender while tears profusely ran down my soaked cheeks. Suddenly, a divine silence overcame me, and I heard His voice speak from within me: IT IS FINISHED. 

Just as Jesus’ final words on the cross, he was telling me it was finished at that very moment. I asked Him to take away my suffering, and He responded with— IT IS FINISHED. Yes, with His death on the cross, there died my old self. All of the guilts that I carried for years and the eternal sadness I felt, Jesus took them all away. After a few good hours of reconnecting myself to my Saviour, I instantly felt renewed. I couldn’t feel the guilt and pain anymore— Jesus already took them away. 

 

The Lord refreshed my soul. I am renewed. I finally regained my joy in the Lord. And whenever I feel that sadness lurking in again and the longing for attention and affection from my siblings, relatives, and friends tries to creep in, there is one thing I remind myself of: THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD, I LACK NOTHING. The Lord sustains me abundantly with physical and financial favour; this I guarantee. But lately, did I only realize that I also lack nothing in love. God ever so loves me by sending His only son on the Cross to suffer for my sins, God ever so loves me that even though I have often stumbled and offended Him of my grave sins, He has forgiven me. God ever so loves me that in my darkest, messiest, and worst suffering, He was there, silently comforting me to sleep. God ever so loves me that in my joys, He rejoices with me. God ever so loves me that in every second and millisecond of my life, He is there to keep me, guide me, and see to it that I thrive and prosper. Seriously, every step of the way, even in my first steps as a young child, for which I could hardly remember, I knew in my heart that He was and is always there for me. 

Indeed, I lack nothing, even in love— God’s love, I am overflowing. I am so filled with God’s love that whenever thoughts or feelings of not being loved enough by people around me can no longer hurt me. How can I not love my neighbour enough when God’s love for me overflows abundantly?  

 

Praise and glory be to our Lord, Jesus Christ.  WCB 

Tolstoy's Three Questions and my thoughts

As I am working through my readings this week for my Leadership course, I came across this story by Leo Tolstoy. I would just like to put it here and be reminded of this beautiful response from the hermit to the King's questions. Before I quickly share my thoughts, here's how the story goes:

 

One day a king decides that, henceforth, he would never fail at anything if only he could get an answer to three questions: What are the most important things to do in life? When is the right time to undertake them? and Who are the right (and wrong) people to deal with in so doing? He promised a large reward to any person who could provide him answers. But the learned people who came to him from far and wide offered conflicting advice, which confused and annoyed the king and so he heeded none of it. Instead, he disguised himself as a peasant and went into the woods to visit an old hermit renowned for his insight. He found the hermit digging a garden. Noticing the man’s frailty and fatigue, the king took over the digging. He dug for hours. All the while the hermit said nothing in reply to his questions. Suddenly, just as the sun was setting, an injured man staggered out of the forest. He had been stabbed in the stomach. 

The king tended his wound and carried him into the hermit’s hut. After settling him in, the tired king fell deep asleep. The next morning he awoke to find the now healing stranger gazing at him intently. The man confessed he had been lying in ambush to kill the king for injuries to his family the king’s men had inflicted years before. The man had waited and waited in the woods, but the king never returned from the hermit. When he went looking for him, he stumbled on the king’s soldiers, who recognized him and wounded him before he got away. The man begged for reconciliation, which the king was happy to grant. Finally, before taking his leave, the king once more asked the hermit his three questions. The hermit, bent over while sowing seeds, looked up at him. “You have already been answered,” he said calmly. The king was dumbfounded. The hermit continued:

 

Had you not taken pity on my weakness yesterday and dug these beds for me, instead of turning back alone, that fellow would have assaulted you, and you would have regretted not staying with me. Therefore, the most important time was when you were digging the beds; I was the most important man; and the most important pursuit was to do good to me. And later when the man came running to us, the most important time was when you were taking care of him, for if you had not bound up his wound, he would have died without having made peace with you; therefore he was the most important man, and what you did for him was the most important deed. Remember then: there is only one important time— Now. And it is important because it is the only time we have dominion over ourselves; and the most important man [sic] is he [sic] with whom you are, for no one can know whether or not he will ever have dealings with any other man [sic]; and the most important pursuit is to do good to him [sic], since it is for that purpose alone that man [sic] was sent into this life.

Excerpt from: 

Decision Making in Educational Leadership : Principles, Policies, and Practices, edited by Stephanie Chitpin, and Colin W. Evers, Taylor & Francis Group, 2014. ProQuest Ebook Central, http://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/ottawa/detail.action?docID=1707392.
Created from ottawa on 2022-01-31 17:54:36.

The king's three questions and the Hermit's answers:

1. What are the most important things to do in life? 

The most important pursuit was to do good to me.. since it is for that purpose alone that man [sic] was sent into this life.

2. When is the right time to undertake them? and 

Remember then: there is only one important time— Now. And it is important because it is the only time we have dominion over. 

3. Who are the right (and wrong) people to deal with in so doing?

The most important man [sic] is he [sic] with whom you are, for no one can know whether or not he will ever have dealings with any other man.

My thoughts

Doing good is no time wasted. Had you not taken pity on my weakness yesterday and dug these beds for me, instead of turning back alone, that fellow would have assaulted you, and you would have regretted not staying with me. We may not have any idea how the universe conspires to protect us and to do things in our favor when our life pursuit is always the act of love. And when is the right time to do good?-- Is it when we win the lottery? When we have all the money, the resources in the world to do good? No, the best time is NOW. Because NOW is all we have under control. Now is the only time that we have an influence over. Do good with what you have. Fulfill your mission with what you have. And who knows, fulfilling your mission from where you are is part of a grander mission. And yes, the grander mission will never unfold until you have unlocked or fulfilled your little missions. I do firmly believe in the grand design by the Divine. We are all sent for a purpose-- a person may have been sent to you for the purpose of you doing good to that person.