Not as clear as Coke Clear

June 30th
Saturday
Kasama-shi, Ibaraki

This drink seems to have some existentialist's crisis. For all I know, Coke is supposed to have that dark, inviting color. After taking a few gulps, I gave up. It just didn't taste right. So it's been a few weeks since it's in my fridge, having no idea when will I have the courage to drink it again.

But this post is not about this coke's new version. It's about the crisis I found in it. I don't know what to make of it because it's clear and coke is not supposed to be clear. Just like my life right now. I don't know what to make of it.

I grew up knowing only two professions in this world-- a teacher and a policeman. Of course, they are my parents' and I grew up looking up to them. Life I thought was the kind of life I grew up with. Well, I haven't really figured it out until I was twenty-ish. Just like everyone else back home, I figured that a perfect and an easy life would be finishing college, finding a job in the government, building a family, growing old, and die. Plain. Simple. Happy. Well, that's what I at least see for some of my peers back home. Not that they have made it to the die stage, but looking at their photos in Facebook, the stability of their life seems to suggest that their life has been so predetermined just like death.

But then again, this post is not about death. In fact, it's about the opposite of it. It's about life and how I feel and view it at the moment. Have I figured my life already? No, definitely not yet. The truth is, I have been having existential dilemma since I stood on my thirty-ish. It's funny, isn't it? After existing for three decades on this planet, I haven't really figured my life yet. While for some, they already see themselves where they are going-- raising their kids, growing old with their partners, retiring from their job, and so on. As for me, I am lucky to have a wonderful husband I can tolerate growing old with, but the rest is just impeccably uncertain. Why impeccably-- because I see beauty in it. There is beauty in the uncertain, in the unknown. There is excitement and there is always something to look forward to. But it's scary.

I am scared. My life is no ordinary. Well, maybe because as a kid, I always had extraordinary dreams. Maybe, I am really destined for extraordinary adventures. Or, maybe. Just a maybe.

At thirty, I gave up my job at the government. It was supposed to lead me to the life I always thought would be. Stability, security, but boring. After coming back home from a 2-year life in New Zealand, there was just this desire in my heart to live in a different country once more. So I embarked living in Japan. Lo and behold! I arrived in Japan even before I was even mentally and physically ready for it. I was hoping to live here with Raymond and start building our family here. It would have been so easy as a slice of cake. Until I started to re-evaluate the things that truly mattered.

Since I left home to study at a University in Bicol, my life as a gypsy started. I was only 16 then. I was a soleful wanderer. My life was a series of moving out and moving in. I have lived in too many cities that I actually have lost count of them. From Bicol, to Cavite, to Pasig, to Mandaluyong, to Makati, to Laguna, to Cebu, to Baguio, and so on. My head literally aches trying to count each of them. Those were not even brief stays, well, the shortest I guess was in Laguna, I lived there for a month.

I remember one job interview I had with an old woman, after scanning through my resume, the first thing that came out her mouth was: "You're like a rolling stone." And to me it translated as, I am everywhere. I was confused. She made it sound like it was a bad thing but I thought it was otherwise. I thought it was liberating to be everywhere.

And it is. In every place I have lived in, a part of myself is ripped off me. Each of these places have changed me. And all these places count to who I am now. I have mastered the art of moving in and moving out into a place, and sadly, into one's life as well. The art of letting go for me is just a piece of cake. But this art is also expensive. It had to cost me my community, my friends, and my family.

And now that I am thirty, a few months to go before I turn into my first year of this decade, a question has been haunting me. A question concerning my existence. Do I want to keep the tides of life take me to many different shores until my bones weaken, until I get tired? Or is it about time to finally dock my ship into an island and start planting my roots there? The daunting truth is, I can't forever have the needed strength to sail ashore. I don't even know if there is still part of me that can be ripped off. I don't even know if there is still something left in me that I can share.

I am everywhere and thinking about it is exhalarating. I am blessed to have the chance to fill the desires of my insatiable soul. I have spent half of my life discovering new horizons. I have thousands of stories to tell. I have countless adventures I can always marvel on. I know that deep inside me, there is always this extraordinary dreamer. I don't have any plans to extinguish it at all. Not yet. A few more years, maybe? Until, I'm ready to say: I can finally stay. 😊

Now, it's clear. But not as clear as Coke Clear.

The Land of the Rising Sun: Prelude

June 2nd, Saturday
Kasama-shi, Ibaraki, Japan

This post will begin with a glass of wine.
The past three months have been a whirlwind of emotions. I never thought (who would, anyway) that March 10 would be a day marked by God to be the day when I will lose the only living parent I have-- my father.

I don't want to put much details in here. Not that, unlike other posts I usually get tired easily and unwillingly, but this time, I am not ready to face the details yet. They are but too painful to revisit.

After going through near-deaths-roller coaster-of-a-ride-ninety-days in my life, the tides of fates brought me once again to some unknown shore. The shores of East Asia-- the pained shores of Japan. I sometimes couldn't help but be amazed whenever I remember of that one fine afternoon, I was seated in one of the cozy seats in Starbucks, Mall of Asia (in fact, I am not even sure if that was in Starbucks). It was one of those days when I would silently write on my diary while enjoying lazily a grande frappucino of my favorite flavor-- choco java chip. I could remember ever so clearly how I draw the map of the world, highlighting New Zealand's two beautiful islands with an airplane beside it going in the direction to Japan. I never, to be completely honest, have ever thought to actually live in Japan. Only for some mundane reasons, such as being able to visit the Harry Potter's Theme Park and perhaps, get a taste of the authentic oriental aspect of Asia, there's nothing more. And fastforward from that day until today, here I am now: lying on my stomach, trying to make an attempt once again, in documenting these memories of living in the land of the rising sun.

June 13th, Wednesday
Kasama-shi, Ibaraki

Reading this post could be a waste of anyone's time, I'd suppose. Regardless, I'll keep going. My thoughts deserve some decent place to live in.

Every inch of my nerves right now is shaking. I had too much caffeine today. Thanks to the nurse-sensei who was sitting across me, giving me an almost-cupful of cold, dark (I mean, seriously dark) coffee after my final class for the day.

My emotions are all over the place. While OPM songs are on the background, I feel like the deepest part of my heart wants to just throw into tears and crying. Well, I have been incessantly crying since March. My crying is sometimes a form of healing and cleansing but most of the times, it's the manifestation of all my suffering. I thank God for my tears.

Now, let me go back to the reason why I am actually triggered to write again. Earlier in my afternoon class with 3rd graders and 5th graders, my pupils assessed their learning in my class. The thing is, I really am not used to getting assessed straight on. And earlier, that was a first! In a class of ten, 5 were happy about their learning in my class. Being 4 is the highest, among 10 pupils, 5 students rated their learning at 1. And some even commented that they did not understand the lesson and got bored. Okay, these are third graders!

On the other hand, out of seven pupils in 5th grade, 7 out of 7 said they enjoyed my class. I even heard them say in Japanese, "suki Eigo" which is translated to " (I) like English". Now, that's worth celebrating!

But why is it that I feel so glum and disappointed about those five who rated me low? Look, out of 17, 12 said they are happy and only 5 said they are not. Why do I magnify the negative and take for granted the positive?

This, in fact, is the current state of my disposition in life. Why is it too hard for me to magnify all the positive things in my life? Every day seems to be a hard toil. I seem to live every day only to get by. I only see pain and suffering, taking for granted the gift of breath God is giving me every day. Taking for granted the blue skies, the warmth of my blanket, the food I eat, the job I have, the life I have.

In the autobiography written by Dr. Frankl, the Meaning of Life, he said when man loses his reason to live, life becomes meaningless. And every day, that's the battle I face. Well, it could be so easy for some to say, "you have to get on with life", "there is nothing you can do to bring them (my parents) back, you don't have the choice but to go on living." The saddest thing about this is that you hear these words from the people you expect most to understand you.

I think, the greatest tragedy for a person who start to lose his or her reasons to live is to hear these words from people whom he or she expects to be the one comforting and condoling him or her. When all you need is to hear words of comfort from the people you love but you hear otherwise, where else would you be getting strength and reasons to live for?

When I was a kid, I did not have everything in life. I grew up in a financially struggling family. I pushed myself to chase my dreams, no matter how much it costs. My parents know that. My parents, more than anyone else, know me. And they've seen me making all my dreams to reality. From my academic achievements (which mama was always so proud of me) to my career milestones, passing the board exams, getting scholarship abroad (which papa always boasts how impressed he was of me). The thing here is, I lived all my life trying and doing my best to please my parents. And now that they're gone, I just feel all

There she is. It's thirty minutes past midnight. Her lashes are heavy, ever wanting to lay quietly on the softness of her under eyes. But she could not. Or maybe, she would not.

It's been her first month in another country. This time, it's Japan. For once or twice, it indeed came into her mind to set foot in the land of the rising sun. But never did she think she would be given a choice to live in the Eastern Orient for a while.

I used to count months, then weeks, and now, days. To be exact, I am now counting three days. Yes, three days. And to put it into hours, I only have 72 hours before finally waking up from this beautiful dream living in New Zealand. The clock is ticking and man, how I wish I can hold it for a few more hours, or perhaps days, or months, or years?!! But who knows, right?

And yet, the inevitable has to come. All that is left of me is the opportunity to immortalise this wonderful memory.  To paint every part of my wondrous adventure in a canvass created by my words. I wanted to document each of them just like what Mr. Bilbo Baggins did. I am so lucky and blessed, to have the same adventure in Middle Earth. 

An unexpected adventure in the Middle-Earth

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.  -Eleanor Roosevelt

In the small island of Masbate, there lived an ordinary girl with extraordinary dreams. 

Sa dulo ng dapit-hapon

Hindi pala ganun kadali mag-aral abroad. Lalo pa kung galing ka sa Pinas. Lumaki ka namang masipag mag-aral. Mahilig ka naman magbasa ng libro. Pero hindi pala ganun kadali kung sa sistemang kinalakihan mo, parating ikaw lang ang tagatanggap. Lumaki akong naniniwala na sa loob ng paaralan, kailangan ko matuto sa pamamagitan ng mga impormasyong isasalin sa akin ng aking mga guro. Mga impormasyon na ika nga nila "isusubo ko nalang".

Ngunit hindi ganun dito sa labas ng Pilipinas kong mahal. Hindi ganun dito sa New Zealand.

Malapit na akong magtapos sa isang taon kong kurso sa Educational Leadership. Awa ng Panginoon, kinaya ko naman ang mga araw at gabing pagmumukmok sa harap ng aking laptop. Sa awa ng Panginoon, may mga ideya namang kahit sapilitan kong pinipiga sa aking utak ay lumalabas parin. Sa awa ng Panginoon, nakakaya ko naman,

Pero iba ang pakiramdam ko ngayon. Pangalawang beses ko nang iniyakan ang hirap at pagod na dinadanas ng aking hamak na utak. Hindi ganoon kadali. Sobra, ang hirap. Mga pagkakataon na iiyak ka nalang at matutulala dahil hindi mo alam kung ano ang iyong mga isusulat. Iyong titingin ka nalang sa kawalan at mapapatulo nalang ang iyong mga luha dahil hindi mo alam kung paano ka magsisimula o magtatapos sa iyong akda.

Habang sinusulat ko ito, patuloy na nagngangalit ang apoy sa aking dibdib. Pakiwari ko'y ako'y nakikipagdigma sa mga ideyang pilit na humihiligpos sa kawalang di ko maarok. Ilang araw na lamang at kailangan ko nang ipagkaloob ang aking mga gawa sa aking propesor. At habang palapit ang mga araw, lalong humihigpit ang aking paghinga, lalong bumibilis ang pintig ng aking puso.

At sa kabila ng mga ito. Kailangan kong bumalik sa reyalidad. Kailangan kong bumalik sa pagsusulat ng aking akda....

A selfless encounter with myself

28 July 2015
54A May St
Hamilton East
NZ

At certain points in my life, I detested writing. I procrastinated because I felt like I wasn't really being real. Most of the real moments I had, I kept it in my heart--- so no one would steal it and no one would judge it. That way, I free myself from expectations of anyone liking or commenting on it. One of the side effects of facebook and other social media sites to this world is that people are sometimes trapped in a world of make-believe. And I sometimes also fall into this trap. There had been times in my life when I find myself living my life in a way which would gather many 'likes'.. I though it was going to make my life any happier and better than anyone's. But the truth is, I was just fooling no one but myself.

This age is bringing humanity into a huge drainage. Anyone who goes with the flow will end up in the septic tank, finding themselves swimming along with all kinds of rubbish and sh*t. Now, let me ask myself a pretty rare question--- when was the last time have I been really honest with myself?

The truth is, I was really never honest. In fact, the idea of writing a blog and the possibility that a fellow wanderer may possibly come across to this one and read this, simply tarnishes my honesty. Why? Because I am expecting an audience and I would definitely want my audience feel that this one's worth reading. But who really cares?

So I am writing this for my future self. I want my future self to know that at this stage of my life, I have been trying and will always try to become a better old me for a future self which I can be really proud of. I am always a work in progress. I am trying because this world is getting dangerous by the day. It continuously defines you of who you should be, what you should be doing, what should you be eating, what should you be thinking, and any should-be's the you can think of.

So let me begin by being honest with myself.

WHAT DO I REALLY WANT TO BE IN MY IDEAL FUTURE?
I want to be the mother and the wife of a godly family. A godly family who serves as an inspiration to everyone surrounding them. A godly family who is never perfect but is always trying to be one with God and Lord Jesus Christ in the middle. Because when God is in the center of one's life, one will never really feel empty and lacking.

WHAT MATERIAL THINGS DO YOU OWN?
A house which I can stare at and say to myself--- "Ah, this is my dream home!"
A car which would carry me and my family to places in our heart's content.
A business which won't necessarily give my family the security of a lifetime, rather, a business which would allow us to be more generous and giving to the deprived.
A title which I can scribble along my name.

WHAT HAVE I ACHIEVED FOR MY HEALTH?
Never ever go over 70 lbs! Regular biking, walking, and a sport which will hubby and I can do for bonding.

WHAT TYPE OF RELATIONSHIPS I HAVE WITH FAMILY, FRIENDS, AND OTHERS.
Family-- I am a wife and a mother who loves. I am a daughter who always remembers.An ate who always cares. A friend who treasures memories and who tries to find time when needed.

WHAT IS MY IDEAL PROFESSION?
A University lecturer and a public school leader. I hold a leadership position in the government where I am able to influence change and at the same time doing part-time teaching job to empower the minds of my students.

WHAT KIND OF TEACHER AM I?
I am a teacher who inspires not just by talking but by showing.I want my students see hope in me. I want them believe in their dreams through me. I want them have me as an inspiration.

WHAT AM I BESIDES WEARING A UNIFORM?
I am a traveler to places such as Japan, Europe, and the US. Not just for the sake of getting amazing photos but most importantly to learn more of myself by learning from others. To be more human by knowing and understanding more humans. I travel to be alive.

WHAT KIND OF COMMUNITY DO YOU LIVE IN?
I live in an imperfect community which constantly develops me to being a better me.

28 Reasons why New Zealand should be in your bucket list.