I just finished watching one of Will Smith’s profound, tear-jerker films, The Collateral Beauty. A story about how he dealt with the pain and misery after losing his 6-year-old daughter to GBM. I am not sure what GBM means and I do not care.
Everything he went through felt so real. Some may see two years is long enough to still be miserable. Yet, no one really understands. Some may have gotten over it too quickly, while others, like me, just can’t get over it too soon.
I am so caught up about the future, re:getting scholarship and move to other countries, and the past:losing my parents and literally being away from everyone I love. I am caught between these two. My emotions could only either be heightened by the idea of the future or heightened by the pain from the past. And the now? There’s nothing. I do not feel anything for the now. I do not feel alive by the present. It’s like sunrise after sunrise. Work. Home. Sleep. Wakeup. Work. Home. Sleep... the cycle goes on. My "now" is empty. Because my "now" is what? How do I describe the "now"?
Debts. Loneliness. Despair.
And without God, I would have ended everything deliberately. I am overcome with so much strong emotions. It’s only Me and Raymond here. And the rest is, nobody.
And none of my family back home understands that. Well, at least that's how I feel. No one even cares to genuinely connect with how I really am doing. And I have been waiting for them to do it. I have attempted many times to do be the one to first reach out to them. You know, check on them, not waiting for them to check on me first. And yes, I know they got it.
But I am really just too tired of waiting for them to now do something for me. I am hurt when my efforts to reach out are only met with cold annoyance and blame. I am fed up with dragging my feet to the grave of the past. My parents surely wouldn’t want to live in misery because of their death which is never their fault, to begin with.
Maybe, I should start letting them go. And of accepting that they are already gone. For so long, I have only brushed this reality off and consoled myself about the matters of the present. But really, I haven’t confronted my reality that:
- Living abroad and be far away from loved ones was my choice;
- Mama and Papa are already gone and the idea of a home filled with warmth through their presence is long gone, too;
- Everything about my childhood is over;
- I have a future, tabula rasa, that awaits for me.
When God gifts me with 70 or hundred more years to live on this planet, do I destroy that gift for the pains I had in the past 30 years? I am turning 32 in two months, which means 32 years of existence, of consuming oxygen and space on this planet.
I’d say 22 years of complete happiness, of knowing life as beautiful as blue skies, sunshines, and butterflies. I am turning 32 and it’s been 10 years of pain, despair, and misery. While yes, I praise God for numerous joys in between.
Within ten years, I lost the only two people I came here on earth to live for. And without them, nothing feels right anymore. Nothing, not a single thing, shall ever feel right anymore.
But I cannot continue living like this. Blaming all these emptiness and hopelessness for their death. I cannot keep blaming everything for their death and find an excuse to live the next decades of my life in darkness. I have to rise from the ashes. I have to live, for God isn’t giving up on me yet.
What’s collateral beauty?
The movie says it's being connected with everything after experiencing death in the family. It’s that deep awareness and knowing that life is short and our time with our loved ones is priceless. It is that wisdom that life is not only what was, what is, and what will be. It is the understanding of what is next after death. And that my parents, my Mama and Papa were not just ideas that used to exist in the universe. That they were once here and somewhere, that is beyond my comprehension, they are still alive, waving, smiling, looking upon me.
That collateral beauty is not about losing touch of everything that makes us alive. That collateral beauty is finding life, after experiencing death. Looking at life from a whole new perspective. Of not looking at the present as a combination of the pain in the past and the worries in the future. It’s of finding what truly makes us feel alive. Of no matter how dark it is, we fearlessly keep walking. We know God is in control, yes. And that God is guiding us in the whole process.
Dear God,
I don’t know how to do it and what to do about it. But I want to feel alive again, Papa God. I want to feel alive, again. Please, amaze me once again.
Love,
Your daughter in pain
